After last week’s post on “the Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning,” inspired by the TV show of the same name, I got some spirited responses. People have quite a bit to say on the topic, so instead of my originally planned post we’re doing a sequel.
My Aunt Diane, who calls herself “an aging pack rat” shared her own, less Swedish perspective on decluttering.
THE SHED-AS-YOU-GO APPROACH
She points out that “What may mean nothing to someone may bring a wonderful memory to someone else.” She’s taken it upon herself to involve friends and relatives in an ongoing process of connecting things with the people who find value in them. Sometimes that is making the effort to reach out to distant relatives when they visit, or giving things back to people who initially gave them.
I like that idea. It also reminded me of the Swiss chocolates I once bought for my grandmother, after making a special trip to a fancy chocolatier the morning of my flight home from Zurich. I wanted them to be fresh. I found them in her fridge a decade later, after she had passed. Clearly, she was not a regifter.
My aunt is indeed pursuing the ideal scenario. It requires some foresight and intentional effort to connect with likely recipients. It also provides a good excuse to get together with people who have mattered in your life.
THE IMPOSED ALTERNATIVES
Our scenario, however, was different, and familiar to many. My parents hadn’t reached the stage of thoughtful downloading before it was too late. Dad died suddenly and by then mom’s Alzheimer’s was in full swing. Furthermore, they had never moved out of the family home, so it became a giant, uncategorized repository. If we had moved out of that home along that way, there would have been more opportunities to shed.
Another person who chimed in on the topic was a friend whose mom recounted cleaning out at least four family homes of her older relatives, on top of the clean-outs required to make four family moves across multiple countries. This woman clearly has Swedish blood in her veins, real or honorary. As she told her son, “I am not a stranger to ‘getting rid’ of things and on the other hand I have had many pleasant surprises, smiles, revelations as I sifted through all that memorabilia. I would not want you to not experience the same.”
THE INESCAPABLE TRIP DOWN MEMORY LANE
So, it sounds like he’ll get his share of boxes to go through. Her sentiment, however, resonated with me, reminded me that there is something between the rare opportunity for thoughtful decluttering and wholesale dumping. I had perhaps too blithely ended the post by imploring people to “channel your inner Swede and get rid of the stuff that weighs you down.” There is more to it than that.
It really was a soulful experience to go through so many memories piece by piece—to discover new information, peek into relationships through letters, to wonder why some gems had been buried for decades and in other cases why things that seemed utterly obscure had been carefully preserved. It was a rite of passage; but, bottom line, in my brief visits I only navigated one corner of the iceberg. Even with two sister’s filling their own garages, and making Herculean efforts to connect things to the people who would appreciate them, there’s only so much stuff you can keep.
Do you have a good (or bad) decluttering story or technique? You know I’d love to hear about it, so hit that button and share!
THE LENDING LIBRARY
That brings me to an innovative solution described by a friend who is one of four sisters. When her mother passed away several years ago, there were some things all the sisters cherished. Rather than bickering or drawing lots, they came up with the concept of a virtual library for the most meaningful, portable items. Each of them takes turns using certain pieces of jewelry or family history, rotating them around as requested. Among these shared item is a ring made from a gemstone native to their home in Washington state. My friend sent me a picture of her peeling tomatoes (a nod to another family tradition) while wearing the ring. How happy and calming that ritual must be for her.
THE INNER MEANING OF THINGS
It reminded me of an ornate clutch my mom’s college “housemother” (AKA dorm parent) left to her, which, thanks to my sister, then ended up with me. Inside is a hand-written note, from the housemother to my mom, of its provenance. Considering how rarely I go anywhere that requires a fancy clutch, I rarely use it, but I find myself re-reading the letter every so often. From her nursing home she explained, “If it were possible I should have it reconditioned and take it to the Metropolitan but my opera days are past. I am sending it to you with the hope that sooner or later you can use it.” It makes me think of my mom when she was young, and imagine her 30-year relationship with this woman, 30 years her senior, who I never met, but heard about in stories.
Another friend related that she was certain her mom had not designated any of her things specifically to either sibling before she died suddenly. It was only after everything had been divided up that she more closely inspected a piece of art she’d always admired, and discovered a note taped to its underside. It was a letter she’d written herself to her mother, decades earlier, mentioning the piece. My friend reflected, “She was thinking about passing things on more than I knew.”
So, yes, there is much more to death cleaning than dumpsters and a cold heart. What seems true, is that the longer the runway, the more thoughtful you can be in guiding your treasures to the ideal recipient. My aunt also reminded me that I am actually part Swede, though clearly not the organizational, tall or blond part. I’m not taping notes to my stuff just yet, but, pssst—there’s this Florentine clutch from 1926…
UP NEXT:
Speaking of Florence, there will be no posts next week, as I am going to the homeland of “the clutch” possibly without my computer. The next post will be a very jet-lagged one on Sept 18. Until then, I wish you all an excellent start to fall and please do share any thoughts on this or any Mothership posts in the comments. I love to hear from you!
Enjoy your trip!
Dave did a lending library style exchange for a while with a beloved antique teddy bear after his mother passed. Eventually the cousin decided its final home would be with Dave.
My brother cleaned out my mom’s house, so I wasn’t there for that part. Looking back, I kinda wish I was. Luckily, he moved a bunch of stuff to store at his house, so I’ll eventually have a chance to sort through what he kept. Have a great vacation, Edie!