Momisms

Wise words, quirky habits and family values that stick

I was recently on the phone with a friend, before a planned dinner date at her house. Both couples were tired and had a lot going on and the vibe was definitely tilting towards canceling our plan. Finally my friend said, “Just come over and let’s do this. The water is poured.” We headed right over and had a lovely evening.

When I asked her about that saying, “the water is poured” she said it was something her mom always said and had become standard in their household. Her mom had passed away months earlier, and I smiled thinking about this little piece of her mother that lived on in their daily lives.

My friend notes that the phrase has many different biblical meanings as well, among them: Repentance and Contrition; an emotional and spiritual emptying before God; Humility and Dependence; Offering and Sacrifice. (That, my friends, is a rabbit hole for another day.)

In this case, it was more literal. “At our house,” she said, “it meant, things have been set in motion and dinner’s on the table. When you’re late, you are being disrespectful to everybody else who wants dinner.” To guests like us, it simply meant, stop what you’re doing and come on over.

The Momism Cycle

She already knows that the phrase her household will attribute to her is: “Put something on your feet.” The phrase is based on logic. “It’s not something my mom would say. It 100% comes from me. We grew up in Chicago, which is cold. If you’re cold, you put a hat on your head, and put something on your feet. Then you’re not cold anymore, right?” Like all momisms, it also holds a deeper meaning. She explains: “If I’m feeling cold, then you all have to dress warmer for me, because I see you with your bare feet, and that makes me colder. It’s a little bit like, ‘listen to me’ and it’s also Mom concern. You don’t know you’re cold, but I know that you’re cold. It is a metaphor for ‘whatever I’m feeling, my mom is feeling more.’”

The whole exchange got me thinking about momisms, those little habits, rituals or pieces of advice that are seared in our memories so firmly they become part of the character DNA we pass along. I thought about the ones I learned by osmosis and the ones, for better and worse, I’ve passed along. They can be noble or thoughtful or wise; but also quirky or annoying or ridiculous. Whatever they are, they are things you can’t unhear or unknow or unhitch from who you are, and from who made you that way.

A Tradition of Remembering

I only recently learned of Bardo, by taking part in a brief meditation and prayer. In the Tibetan Buddhist tradition, Bardo is an intermediate state, the liminal space between death and rebirth, lasting up to 49 days. During that period, loved ones and mourners connect weekly and can support the deceased’s transition with prayers, offerings, and actions. That includes things like eating the person’s favorite foods, doing their favorite activities and acting in ways aligned with their values. The idea is to guide the person’s spirit with love and positive actions, all while gently releasing them into their next state of being.

The practice reminded me of a quote I’ve used here before: “Grief is love with no place to go.” The concept of Bardo gives you something to do with that suddenly un-moored love, and somewhere to focus it. After that prayer, I found myself being more mindful, making choices guided by the values and tastes of the person I am missing and honoring. Those decision points also become a nice time to reflect, remember and “be” with her.

Even in the earliest stages of loss, when it feels impossible to find meaning in grief, or put words to it, little rituals let you feel like you’re doing something, expressing something, preserving something.

And who knows? At the end of the 49 days of Bardo perhaps some of those habits, like Momisms, will stick and become a part of me. Over time, they will assure some part of that person’s values, character and personality live on, not only in family lore but in family life. That’s called “making a difference” and it’s what we all hope to do in our brief time here.

If you have any favorite Momisms you’d be willing to share—from your mom or other moms, alive or departed—I’d love to hear them!